An even older ball, said wearily— “I was bowled in the era of Viv Richards. I still feel bruised and battered! In that 1983 World Cup final, no one gave us a chance against the Windies, but it was that Kapil Dev catch that turned the match—I am that ball that landed in his safe hands.”

A relatively younger ball, with green stains, but full of energy said, “Hello everyone, I’m a 2011 masterpiece, I am a master ball, a ball no one will forget…”

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“Stop boasting and tell us who you are, paaji?”

“I’m Dhoni, I’m MSD, I’m the ball that the great man hit for six on this very ground against the Sri Lankans… I am the greatest ball in Indian ODI history!”

“Get a life dude,” said a newer ball, positioned at the boundary. “Watch me”, and he dived over the boundary and then back in again. “I am Suryakumar Yadav, SKY to you, SKY to the world, I am that ball… don’t want to chest thump, but I think, it was me that decided the outcome of the final. And, before you get ahead of yourself, old timer, this 2024 T20 World Cup victory is our greatest ever!”

A bunch of newbies, prancing up and down, like jack in the boxes, like cheer leaders,  began chanting, “Boom Boom Bumrah, we are Bumrah… Boom Boom Bumrah… wah.”

“What’s going on ladies?” the others asked.

One of the newbie white balls said, “Dude I was there in 2013 when he first began... John Wright had found him, he was this goo-goo eyed bowler, with this straight arm action, today look where he’s reached.”

“How are you still so new, how is your complexion so pure, do you ‘botox”? they were asked.

“No no no, darling, when Bumrah is bowling, the batsman don’t dare hit us all, of us are balls that Jassi paaji has bowled over the years… we are ageless because of him.”

The fairest one of all, said proudly— “Let’s be clear about our boy Bumrah, he has none of the drama queen-ness of Hardik, the diva-esqueness of Virat, the demi-godness of Dhoni but he is our greatest cricketer ever…don’t forget when the Proteas needed 26 runs in 24 balls and when he came steaming in, he turned that match on its head in the 16th and 18th overs.”

An older beauty chimed in, said, “I’ve watched Jasprit over his career, no strutting, no swearing, no arrogance.”

“In this country, natak, nepotism, nonsensical behaviour, newsworthiness, naach gaana seems to obsess our cricketers… not him.”

Two female cricket balls were jumping around—

“When he bowls—he has a child-like quality, he’s the Carlos Alcaraz of cricket, enjoys both his own game and that of his opponent, if the batsman manages to get him away, it’s the doffing of the hat, recognition, you got me this ball, I’m coming for you next one, who outfoxes who!”

Another young beautiful ball cooed— 

“He is BCCI.”

“BCCI… means what?” the others asked.

“BCCI: Bumrah Cutest Cricketer of India,” she concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com