For many of us, self-love would have to begin by learning to say no—the power of which my 20-month-old toddler is already beginning to harness. Only in my late thirties have I begun to understand how much agency can exist in this humbling word—No. I am recognising how societal conditioning invalidated that power for me because I was raised to perform as a people-pleasing woman. At some point, I must have internalised that saying no was not an option because it would make me the evil person responsible for someone else’s disappointment. All Indian women are like Atlas, in that sense. We believe, intrinsically, that it is our duty to shoulder the weight of the whole and that, if we take a break, the world will end. But, as the Atlas in Jeanette Winterson’s feminist retelling of the Greek myth discovers one day after accidentally letting the world slip off after having held it for an eternity—it doesn’t end, it just continues. It took me two decades to learn that I had equated my self-worth with the extent to which people needed and therefore ‘liked’ me. It meant that for all my adult life, I focussed on the fulfilment of other people’s needs instead of learning to validate my own.

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I am still recovering from the intensity of all the emotional labour I have performed through my adult life. People who do physical work for years often end up with bruised bodies and long-term injuries. But we haven’t even wrapped our heads around the psychological impact of all our emotional labour which usually manifests in long-term anxiety. My suspicion is that we end up simply erasing our sense of self as a coping mechanism. We stop nurturing our personal interests and passions in order to economise our time. 

The opposite of emotional dysregulation is self-expression, I recently learned. It means that when we decide we want to live our lives more wholly and commit to healing, we embrace our bodies and ‘come home’ to them. It sounds so wishy-washy, but have you ever wondered where in your body you feel anxiety? How does your body situate your insecurities? Do they nestle near your ribs or your shoulders? Do they strangle your breath? Learning to express and acknowledge how you are feeling is such an underrated life skill. Yet, it is the building block for asserting boundaries, something that South Asian culture makes inherently difficult with its over-emphasis on people-pleasing and its preoccupation with what others will think.

These days, loving myself involves congratulating it when it dares to pursue new ways of thinking or new hobbies. I am learning to be specific in how I praise my own actions. Sometimes self-love means switching off my laptop and nourishing my body with something delicious without feeling like I need to have ‘earned it’. Or giving myself permission to engage in leisurely activities guilt-free. Or spending time in front of the mirror celebrating my bodily appearance instead of finding flaws. I have stopped working towards unrealistic goals, like buying my own apartment. This allows me to say ‘no’ more easily and assertively to work that is unlikely to bring me joy, even if it pays handsomely. My happiness is my new bottom line.  

Deliberating on the life and times of Everywoman, Rosalyn D’Mello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover. She tweets @RosaParx
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The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.