Consider the ridiculous allegation made in the first place, about Indian intelligence services being responsible for the assassination of someone in North America. Anyone who knows how India functions will laugh off this absurd notion, given the extremely high value we have always placed on human lives. Would a government that spends crores to rename and renovate buildings waste time and resources on planning an assassination abroad? That is what banana republics do, and I am pretty sure we are still a democratic nation on most days of the week. If India were responsible for some heinous crime, our robust and impartial media would have reported it instantly. We don’t rank 161 among 180 countries on the World Press Freedom Index 2023 for nothing.

This is why, going forward, I also propose a government-sanctioned test for anyone applying for a tourist visa to India. It doesn’t have to be vetted and approved by a committee of ministers, because it will have to be put together by literate people, but there are definitely a few solid reasons why it should exist. We should check all test results carefully, and issue visas only to those aware of what an astonishing and powerful country they are about to visit, if granted permission to.

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The test should remind them about the thousand years of darkness India lived through, before emerging, blinking into the light of development in 2014 or so. All questions should focus on the last nine years alone, given that nothing of importance occurred before that period. We can also consider a rapid-fire test at immigration when tourists are departing, to find out how much they have learned during their time spent here. That way, we can make sure they are taking back good reviews of India to their home countries. This is the sort of idea other countries may want to adopt soon enough. When more people start to recognise how peace-loving and welcoming we really are, no one will accuse our government of something as awful as murder ever again. It’s all about brand awareness.

It may seem like a frivolous exercise, but everyone knows that India is now one of the world’s most important countries and should be treated as such. If they don’t know this already, I am sure there will be more taxpayer-funded advertising and marketing campaigns signed off for the next five years, which will deliver the message effectively by then. A test of Indian culture and our post-2014 history will show visitors that we have finally begun to take ourselves seriously too, and will not tolerate any criticism of our beliefs, intelligence services, government policies, or one religion.
Canada has learned its lesson the hard way and will presumably never dare accuse the government of India again. I am pretty sure Australia, the United States, and the European Union will follow soon enough. 

When he isn’t ranting about all things Mumbai, Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet. He tweets @lindsaypereira

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