“Dat Turkish bloke, wassisname Yoosoof Dikec… bleddy casually puts his left hand in his pocket like he’s playing pocket billiards men, and he points de gun and shoots, no fancy parafenialia, eye glass tings and udder mekinisms looks like dey are at an optician, and blinking headphones like DJs—he just goes, points and dichkaaaao shoots and den casually has one cigarette puff puff, I tink so he was a supari killer in Istanbul.”

“Lobo Lobo, you seem to be a lot into shooting.”

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“See Dikuna men, I was not always a cable TV technician.”

“Yes you were a footballer.”

“No men, even before dat, in my teens… I was into, well, I worked briefly in de underworld.”

“Whaaaat did you do in the underworld?”

“I was a… see men Dikuna, I was very young, and solid ‘kadka’ in dose days.”

“Oh my god, don’t tell me you, oh no I can’t say the words, you shot people?”

“No no no, what do you take me for, a supari killer… I never shot anyone, because my aim was ‘bunkus’, I tried to shoot, you know but de target was off one day I shot the wrong person onie, so de dada Yakoob miya tolded me, “Yaar Lobo… tumhara nishani bilkul off hai.”

“So, what happened then?”

“I became a debt collector for him, I would point a gun at dose debtors and dey would pay up?”

“So how did that make you a good shooter”

“Arrey men I pay dat PubG na whacyiucall… bang bang bang, I shoot all dose soldiers on de screen.”

“I see. So, where you are going now with that gun and a weighing machine, Lobo Lobo?”

“See men we have one shooting competition in Virar onie… We have various weight categories, 50-60kgs, 61-71kg and so on.”

‘They take the weight of the gun?”

“No our weight, de shooters, see men de competition has a rule.”

“Don’t mind me saying this,  but you seem to have put on some weight.”

“Ya Dikuna men, it is on purpose, I was trying to get into de heavier category, all de 70 and 75 kg, dey are dese fit fallows, all younger and bleddy eat all dis vegan food, and dere eyesight is 20/20… so I’m trying to get into de 85 kilo bracket—my weight was 80kg, all last two days I was eating Myrtle’s food to gain 5 kilos, I was whole whole night in de kichun eating all prawn balchao, and poke vindaloo and so much bleddy bebinka and dadol. I bleddy pigged out, over three nites eating eating I gained five kilos, now I’ll compete against all des fat uncles, bleddy boozards, one bugger is so fat, he rests his arms on his punch while he aims, so I’m hoping to win in dat category… today morning, I’m 84.5 kilos, I have six more hours, so I’m going to my friend Taqdeer Aslam’s Bendi Bazaar biryani place for some Raan. Den I will be ready for 85 kilo category and victory will be mine- udderwise I will be disqualified.”

“Oh so if you’re disqualified what will you do?”

“Dikuna men, I’m also a javelin trower.”

“Now you’ll tell me, if they’d sent you to Paris, you would have beaten Neeraj Chopra and that Pakistani guy.”

“Dikuna men, in Goa, I hold record in Penthathlon… shooting, javelin, sack race, lime and spoon, and high jump.”

“Wow you’re also a high jumper.”

“No men, in Mapuca, the game is after five- six pegs and you are high, how high can you jump? That’s high jump in Mapuca! Okay I better go now… on de way I’ll stop at my wig making guy, hopefully de wig will add a few 100 grams!”

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com