“Arrey Dikuna men, dey are after me, dey are ‘nakki’ after me, oh heavens above,” he declared, petrified. “I need to hide, chhe!”

“Who ‘dey’? Sorry ‘they’… who are they that are after you?” I asked.

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‘Dey men dey… dose people… dey are in my phone men… spying, snooping. Dey are everywhere, in my handset, in my head, wid dere spyware.”

“Thelonious... what’s spooking you out, who’s spying on you, who’s snooping on you?”

“So de udder dey, my phone ‘bajaoes’ and de voice at de udder end says in a deep voice, ‘Hello Mr Thel…Thel… Mr Thel lo... Kya main Mr Thel lo se baat kar raha hoon?’”

I shouted at de duffer, ‘What thel thel, you tink I want ‘oil’ or wot. Who are you?” The blighter just put down de phone. Den dis morning only, my mobile again ring-tings… one female voice akses, ‘Mr Thel Lobo… I am speaking from Unicorn Pvt Equity. Are you looking for stocks?’” Den I put two and two togedder. Unicorn Pvt Equity Enterprises—dat only got my bell ringing.”

“Uhm come on Lobo Lobo, I get these phone calls all the time, people asking if I want to invest in…”

“Arrey Dikuna men, you are too naeeve… dese people are all undercover agents, Unicorn… Pegasus… dey are wanting info about me… dey have put dat spyware in my phone—all type calls cum from all cities, Madras, Bangalore, Udaipur... dey are everywhere watching me.”

“But Lobo Lobo, why would they want to spy on you, why you? I understand if they want to spy on Rahul Gandhi, Raj Kundra, leading journalists, country Presidents… but why you, aren’t you being a bit paranoid?”

“See men, you tink I am just a cable TV bloke, you tink I am a ‘mamooli’ tech chappie who goes from home to home fixing people’s TV cable dishes, right Bossie?”

“Yes, something like that,” I admitted.

“Arre no men, Dikuna. De udder day, I get a call, on de screen it flashes ‘Private Number’. When I answer, I am told dat dey have a secret mission for me. Dey wanted me to go to de homes of some important people, clients of mine and plant small CCTV bugs behind dere Smart TVs…so dey can track de movements of dese people, wot all dey are doing at home, who all dey are meeting, dere daily habits etc etc. Dey said for my services, dey would transfer money into my secret bank account.”

“So did you agree to do the snooping job they asked of you?” I asked Lobo Lobo.

“Arre men, wot to say, see I am uhm broke, ‘kadka’, during dese tuff tuff times, I have to supplement my uhm incum, so I first agreed, and I took an ‘advance’—but den my guilty conscience pricked, arre lightning may strike me down so I had to decline dere offer. Now I have to return de money, but don’t know how to do it.”

Lobo Lobo paused for breath.

“Dikuna men, I wish to change my phone number, and run away… dese people are after me!”

‘What’s coming Lobo, who’s coming?”

“Arrey de cops men, the CID, de agents, one of dem, dey know my secret bank account and dey will lock me up!”

“Oh my God, Lobo Lobo, I can’t believe you have a secret account in Switzerland, or is it Cayman Islands, tell me?”

“No men, duffer Dikuna, I have one secret account in my mudders name, in Saraswat bank in Panjim, Goa.”

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com