There are several reasons why I have become a reluctant admirer of Zoom, but the main one is that it gives one person the ability to mute everyone else in the conversation. This is something every one of us secretly longs to do but have never been able to do in our real world, pre-pandemic, pre-Zoom social lives. As a result, having a decent conversation always feels like herding cats. In a word, out of control and doomed to failure.

You’ll hear a lull, followed by Aur kya ho raha hai? or a prolonged, “Sooooo—”, both sure signs that the tank is empty and the conversation is headed straight to hell.

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And that’s with just two people. Imagine that conversation with a dozen talking heads. Who talks next? Who decides who talks next? What will they talk about? What if they talk about something else? How do you interrupt? What happens if someone is talking horse manure? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could just mute the whole lot of losers by pressing a single button?

With Zoom, you can. You can also tell people when exactly a conversation will end. While it is going on, you can mute the whole rowdy bunch except, of course, the speaker, who may also be mercilessly muted if he doesn’t know when to zip it. 

Needless to say, there’s a good question hidden here—when two or more people talk, are all of them equally happy with the conversation?

Adam Mastroianni, Harvard scholar, and a cohort of science-minded buddies decided to study conversations—how they start, unfold and end—and released their results in March this year. They conducted two studies of 932 conversations, asking conversants when they had wanted the yada-yada to end and when they thought their partner had wanted it to end. 

The results—hardly any conversation ended when both speakers wanted it to or even when one of them wanted it to. Actual conversations went on for nearly twice as long as either speaker wanted. It was all about politeness. No one wanted to continue nattering after the other person had lost interest, or stop while the other person was riveted. 

With everyone pretending to look really fascinated by what the other person was saying, no one knew when to stop.

There are plenty of documented ways to end conversations. The rudest are—

1. Ask where the bathroom is and leave as though you’re ready to burst.

2. Jangle your car keys continuously and loudly.

3. Say, “Are we done here? Can I go now?” 

Or you could do it like Zoom does. I strongly feel that post-pandemic conversations could be much improved by taking a few tips from Zoom, even if it means stepping out of your usual playpen.

1. Pass a note while the other guy is talking. Who says you can’t? Side chats through direct messaging are de rigueur on Zoom. Pass a scribbled note to whoever you’re talking with while he’s talking, with I’m outta here when this minute ends. Just sayin’.

2. Set an end time. Yes, even if it’s just someone you bumped into. As soon as they start talking, pass them a chit saying, This chit-chat ends 10.23 sharp. You got 4 minutes.

3. Carry cutout hands. Hand them out before you start the conversation, stating clearly that no one can open their mouth unless they put their hand up first and are asked to speak. 

4. Use noise cancellation. If anyone speaks too long, stick your Apple AirPods in your ears and start humming loudly. As you walk away.

If after doing all this, you feel some tension and aggression building up towards you, don’t hesitate to take a cue from the red Zoom button, which lets you ‘End Meeting for You’ or ‘End Meeting for All’. In real life, with no red button to press, this is best done by making it seem like the other person is in a hurry rather than you.

Say clearly, “I’m going to let you go now.”

Walk away briskly, trying not to look as if you’re running for your life.

Here, viewed from there. C Y Gopinath, in Bangkok, throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai, the city that raised him. You can reach him at cygopi@gmail.com

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The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.