I simply put on a pair of shorts, a T-shirt, and my new mountain-friendly running shoes, left our child in my partner’s care, and took off. It was the first time I would walk into and through the woods alone. I had gone through the route multiple times with my partner. I had always loved the rule he often enforced, that once we entered the green-pole barrier that formally marked the beginning of forest territory, we should remain in a state of silence. I found that for the first 20 minutes my thoughts were centred primarily on managing my anxieties. I was going through lists in my head, thinking about all the things I would like to alter about my current routine, indulging in wishful thinking about what constituted the right kind of logistical support when one is a working mother, trying to decide what assumed a greater priority, learning Italian or learning to drive, and wondering when I would get to return to India without the fear of not being able to return to Europe… And then suddenly, at some point, I arrived at a state of stillness, as if all the nervous energy and anxious thoughts had bubbled over and evaporated. I felt calmer and was able to locate myself. I could feel the pressure of my feet upon the ground, I could hear the leaves rustling, could smell the moistness of the damp earth and hear the birds chirping. I began noticing more intently the vegetation, little wayside flowers in myriad colours and different shades of green that occupied the mountainous terrain. I realised it was indeed a privilege to inhabit such a proximity to the forest. 

I’m still working out a routine that allows me to repeat this walk first thing in the morning. I am unsure how it will feel as we move closer to autumn and these early hours will be a lot colder. The days I managed even a 40-minute walk after waking up were days when I found myself at my most patient and unnerved best. I felt a lightness in my step and felt so good about being able to tap into my body and draw strength from within its core…how I used to feel when I was able to exercise regularly during the first lockdown when I was in Delhi, emptying out my apartment. 

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The human body was really not designed to be tethered to a chair. It is in movement and in symbiosis with nature that it feels most alive and animated. Attempting to reclaim walking alone has become my way of trying to reclaim my solitude after the life-altering fact of motherhood. It’s not always possible, and I try to be kind to myself on days when I am not able to go out because I’ve had a rough night. But I like having this new pursuit which has me gradually re-arranging my life in order to make time for my solitude. 

In prioritising myself, I am able to maintain the sense of wholeness that I had worked so hard to arrive at during my therapy. 

Deliberating on the life and times of Everywoman, Rosalyn D’Mello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover. She tweets @RosaParx

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The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper