What if babies start to smile at nurses who belong to other religions, for instance? Nurseries should be monitored, too, because toddlers sometimes have a nasty habit of playing with children who belong to other faiths. To nip this in the bud is crucial if we are to ensure that they don't grow up to be delinquents with no respect for religious boundaries.

It also upsets me that our government hasn't done enough to regulate eating habits. Yes, we can no longer eat the kind of meat our ancestors mistakenly consumed for thousands of years, but that isn't enough. Everything on our plates should come from a registered government organisation that examines and looks through our food for traces of impure or foreign matter. Sacred animals should be protected at all costs. There is no way of knowing if chickens or fish may be declared sacred a few years from now, so an organisation that prepares for this possibility can make the transition to controlled meals a lot easier.

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We should also initiate more controls over dating apps because the idea of swiping left or right should only be allowed based upon our political preferences. Restaurants that allow anyone to eat regardless of religious beliefs are a problem, too, because they can turn into a haven for dissidents who support dangerous ideas such as inter-religious dating. A government-appointed committee should evaluate every restaurant licence and screen their owners thoroughly before allowing them to serve customers.

Sex is another area begging for government control because we currently allow people to do as they please within the confines of their bedroom. It becomes impossible to gauge how dangerous a couple can be to the state if they have sex in anything other than the missionary position. Enforcing this is impossible without footage of all sexual acts that should be vetted by a team of professionals. This footage will have to be carefully guarded, of course, because a leak could lead to data being sold. Luckily, the government has a fairly good record of protecting private data, as the Aadhaar exercise has shown.

Love jihad may invite some criticism from those who believe the government has no right to decide whom we can marry. These are usually the same people who propose nonsensical concepts such as freedom of religion or freedom of speech, both of which have been shown to be overrated by respected countries like China and Russia.

In fact, studies published by the Chinese and Russian governments routinely prove that the Chinese and Russian people are among the happiest on Earth. No one in either of those countries disagrees with any government decision, which is something we should all aspire to. The government should also ensure that every opposition party subscribes to the beliefs of the party in power because dissent only slows progress.

As a patriotic Indian who loves his country, I intend to support the government in any way I can, by subjecting every aspect of my life to its scrutiny.

I intend to courier all my medical records regularly, to allow it to evaluate the kind of food I consume. Photographs from my social media profiles will also be emailed to the government for it to ascertain that I spend time only with people who share my own faith.

Naturally, if I ever make the mistake of marrying someone who follows another religion, I intend to walk into the nearest police chowki and turn myself in.

When he isn't ranting about all things Mumbai, Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet. He tweets @lindsaypereira. Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper

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