I mean, even though The Argumentative Indian doesn't have one sex scene, nothing remotely resembling a kiss, no half-clad bikini babes, not a cuss word in sight, he still feels it is necessary to make cuts. People are accusing him of being like the Chengiz Khan of celluloid, when he is actually Don Quixote. These are the words he's beeped out in this new film — 'used', 'these days', 'cow', 'unrest', 'country' and, most importantly, 'Gujarat'What a patriot, to actually delete the name of the state from which our Father of the Nation and PM hail from! Truly, these six words could cause a serious breach in the harmony and peace of India.

On another note, Virat Kohli has written a bigger blockbuster than his girlfriend has ever starred in. Look at the all-star cast in the present BCCI film, 'Ravi Shastri Ko Gussa Kyo Aata Aai' — first there's Anil Kumble the antagonist to Kohli's protagonist. Jumbo, ever the task master, was insistent that the 'boys' spend more time training than getting tattoos, I mean each of our players has so many body inkings and weird hairdos, I'm thinking 80% time is spent in salons, 20% in the stadium. Then the Big B, Dharmendra and Jeetendra of cricket, Sachin, Ganguly and Laxman have appointed Zak Khan and Rahul 'Jammy' Dravid as additional coaches. Zaheer will be like a part-time consultant, 'dropping in' to check stuff out. And Rahul will accompany the team on foreign tours. "So… uhm… hi guys, Ravi, can't make it to Chennai… but hey I'm available for Christchurch and Capetown."

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In the meantime, that master batsman and tweeter Virendra Sehwag waits in the wings.

In other news, the Sri Lankan Rip Van Winkle, Arjuna Ranatunga, has awoken from his slumber to claim the 2011 World Cup final was fixed.

Okie dokie, dude, at what point in the 2,555 days that have passed between that night at the Wankhede Stadium and today, made you think this – did it come to you in a Snow White dream or did a little birdie whisper in your ear?

And then, the AIB (Actually I'm Bored) lad, Tanmay Bhat is at it again, posting controversial videos/memes and dealing with the backlash — (Thinking they should change their initials from AIB to FIR). This one is a spoofy meme of NaMoji.

The humourless subservient trolls in our nation have gone ballistic. The most aggressive being one who calls himself 'Being_humour'.

But, the week does end well, as Jagga Jasoos opens with Ranbir Kapoor, Katrina Kaif and an ostrich.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com