"I rented it from Maganlal Dresswalla, Dikuna men. You want or wot? I can get you a discount if you also borrow tree udder outfits, plus all de elves clothes as well."

"Uh… no thanks Lobo Lobo, I'm good for now. Tell me please, why do you have all your personal belongings tied to your sleigh?"

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"Eh Dikuna men, I'm solid stressed, my head is feeling like de bheja fry you get in Dongri."

"Why Lobo Lobo? Talk to me."

"See men chhe. I feel I could be deported from de country men. So me and de Missus Myrtle are packed and ready to go."

"Ready to go where?"

"To Portugal, where else men!"

"Why Portugal?"

"Arre men, you don't read de papers or wot, under dis CAA ting dey are asking all different different communities to go back to dere original countries…"

"And your country of origin is Portugal?"

"No men, but my great great grandpop, Constantinople Lobo was and also my grandpop Chevalier Lobo were."

"But you weren't, so what's the problem?!"

"Arre boss, dey are telling to my Bawaji Parsi neighbours on de tird floor, Burjor Nallaseth to 'wapas jao' to Persia and Noor Ziauddun to return to you know where. No doubt dey will tell me de same ting, I'm scared men."

"Uhm Thelonious, you won't be deported or sent to an detention camp, aren't you an Indian citizen born and bred, surely you have all your proof of identity?"
"Uhm actually no men, I don't have a passport!"

"Why not?"

"Wot I'll do wid a passport men, I've never been beyond Lonavala! And my driving licence is expired!"

"What about school leaving certificate, Lobo Lobo?"

"Dikuna men, I had to drop out of St Aloysius Boys School, Virar, in the tent standard only, to work men!"

I changed topics.

"Did you go to the protests at August Kranti Maidan."

"No men, but dat is part of de problem. Dat mad boy of mine, Arsenal, looks like Honey Yo Yo Singh, full bleddy duffer, whole day he's on his PlayStation. He went to de protests for time pass. Over dere he saw one poster which showed our leaders and proclaimed 'The Fascists and the Furious'. Chalo, he became suddenly politically aware. Now he wants to hold a rally in Virar for young peepuls."

"Finally, Lobo Lobo, I need to ask you, why do you have no animals pulling your sledge?"

"NRC prevents me, men."

"National Register of Citizens?", I enquired perplexed.

"No men, chhe, NRC is 'Nation against Reindeer Cruelty'."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com

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