Then he opened his mouth: "Bleddy what men, no men, it's unfair men, che!" he thundered.

"Ah I got it, Lobo Lobo. I got it. You are perturbed by the political situation in Maharashtra. I'm guessing that you cannot fathom this concept that has befallen our state called President's Rule, right ? Parties sharing seats… 50:50 and all that. Mr Fadnavis stepping down, Mr Pawar stepping up, Junior Thackeray's steps to leadership, it's a blur, who will lead us, where is the state going, should we be headed the Federal Government way? I totally see why you'd be a sixes and sevens…," I attempted optimistically.

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Lobo Lobo said quite calmly, "No Dikuna men. You have missed de point men. It is not dese bleeding state politics dat I am getting pissed wid men! Arre, I cannot make heads nor tails of all dis politics chhe, I have enuff politics in my own household men, so no men, I am not. However, it is uddder issues, akshully one main issue men, dat I am most upset wid men!"

"And what is that issue that you are upset about, Theo?"

"Dikuna men, okay here it is. I wish to know why de blooming hell dey have cast dat star actor Ayushmann Khurrana in dat movie, whatsitcalled…uhm…whatsitsname...yeah Bala, instead of me!"

"But he's such a fine actor, Lobo Lobo..." I began.

"Dat's not de point, men Dikuna… but why cast him, wen dey could have cast me, men?"

"You? Why you, Theo?"

"Is it not obvious, Mr Rahul? Can you not see? Tink a little, men!"

"Obvious, no it's not obvious! Are you going to tell me because you believe you are a better artiste than Ayushmann?"

"No, no men. It is not dat, it is dat he has such a fine mop of natural hair men, he had to shave it all off to essay de role, na? Arrey. Instead dey could have just aksed me in de first place, no shaving-maving required men! And I would have played de role using my first hand experience."

"Are you saying with that logic, Ravneer Singh should not be playing Kapil Dev's role in '83, because he has not played test cricket?"

"All dat I don't know men Dikuna, I'm just saying dat I could have played Bala more convincingly dan Ayushmann, because of our relative hair situation. Also..."

"Also what?"

"Also I would have been better dan him in Dream Girl."

"Oh my God, Theo, I accept that maybe they could have at least auditioned you for the lead in Bala, but why Dream Girl? Do you wander around the streets of Virar dressed in drag?"

"No, no men. But I won at Our Lady of Perpetual Succour Parish Zonal Finals…"

"You're telling me you won Best Actor there?"

"No men. Best Actress, playing Katy Perry!"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul. dacunha@mid-day.com

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