When I recorded that thought last year, my imagination couldn't have foreseen all the many trials I would have to go through that would test the very contours of that wholeness. The second wave of the #metoo movement caught all of us off guard and threw many feminist lives into disarray. We would soon come to understand what it would mean to be triggered by others' accounts of first-hand sexism and misogyny, and how they manifested in workplace violence and domestic harassment. I was displaced from that precipice of wholeness I was sure I had arrived at this time last year and would come to find my selves fragmented once again, and once again I'd have to collect the shards and perform a kintsugi upon my soul until it was restored to some semblance of order. When I decided to consult a therapist in November, I had been reduced to a state of confusion and distress by the world. But gradually, all the invisible wounds I had been nursing began to heal. If there is one word I would resort to encapsulate my present state of being, it would be this: 'empowered'.

I learned something intriguing this week about the 'female gaze', that apart from it being markedly distinct from the oppressiveness of the male gaze, it is also not myopic but visionary, as it frequently originates from the realm of known affliction. How can we embrace its prophetic potential when we think about the trajectory we want our lives to assume? A question that hasn't lost an ounce of popularity amid the still prevailing capitalist/corporate work culture is this — where do you see yourself five years from now? It's a ridiculous question because it hopes to assess from the respondent's answer their ability to put themselves in a position of agency in relation to external forces. But how can you possibly 'see' yourself five years from now without also imagining the kind of world you hope to inhabit within that timespan? An alternative could be, what world would you like to live in five years from now, and what are you actively doing to arrive at that moment in time? But questions like these are discouraged, as they could potentially threaten the fabric of a society still inebriated by capitalism. The arrogant question still holds sway, despite its faulty, narrow-minded vision, because it is premised on our continuing subscription to the "rat race".

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A few months ago, after finally comprehending part of the crux of my affliction, with Mona's counsel, of course, besides that of my therapist, I arrived at the decision to opt out of the collectively shared delusion of the rat race. I always hated competition, even as a young athlete, because I despised how my body felt when I had to occupy the lead in order to win. The stress never felt worth the victory or defeat. I have since turned my focus inward, so my energy is now spent in bettering myself, empowering my will and my consciousness so that I can potentially empower others. For, it is the psychological, not just the personal, that is truly political, I recently learnt. As I turn 34, I seem to want to dedicate myself more compellingly to the mission of seeking and maintaining a state of wholeness, or what Henry Le Roy Finch describes as "the intellect of grace".

Deliberating on the life and times of Everywoman, Rosalyn D'Mello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover. She tweets @RosaParx Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper

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