Then the unthinkable happened — a pilot, Abhinandan Varthaman got shot down and was captured — and Bollywood became hopeful; picture baaki hai, they said.

But with diplomatic correctness kicking in, and Immy Khan guaranteeing the safe return of Abhinandan, where's the mazaa, the drama, the conflict in that? Where's the capture, the heroism, the 200-cr box office? Where's the chance to patriotically clap as a Pakistani terrorist's head is blown off in close-up and his brains are scattered all over the 70mm screen of PVR?

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Bollywood was deeply distressed.

But, dear reader, obviously, I saved the day. I've created a work of fiction, a guaranteed box office hit.
Even though the title is Abhinandan: A Hero Returns, the movie isn't really about the IAF pilot.

In my story, Abhinandan is captured, but a small guerrilla outfit skydives into Pakistan-occupied Kashmir to save the Tamilian pilot, while running from the Jaish-e-Mohammed. Solid original idea, na?

So who plays Abhinandan, you'll ask? Frankly not much of a role, he will spend most of the time getting rescued and garlanded. We're not looking for a A-lister to play the part: just a guy with a massive Veerappan-type moustache (incidentally, Kamal Haasan, Chiranjeevi and R Mahadevan said no to me).

Obviously, Vicky Kaushal will lead the battalion — (Vicky Kaushal will lead every Bollywood battalion film, made both pre- and post-Lok Sabha elections).

His number two in this escape-drama is the Gully Boy rapper Ranveer Singh. Their third jodidar is Ayushmann Khurrana, with his Andhadhun blindfold. So the enemy thinks he's blind, but actually isn't. Clever, na? And bringing up the rear is Gajraj Rao, fresh from Badhaai Ho! He's obviously older, but has a backstory in which his parents are living in Kashmir, and Ayushmann is his long-lost son.

So, shooting commences tomorrow. A sneak preview, dear reader. Here is the final dialogue before the credits roll.

Vicky Kaushal to Ranveer Singh: "How's the josh?"
Ranveer to Vicky: "Apna time aayega."
Suggesting, dear reader:
a. That there will be a sequel.
b. In which Ranveer could play the battalion leader.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62
@gmail.com