Nahid Dave, Sonal Sonawani and Kanchan Rai

Where parents go wrong

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The most common response children face when disclosing abuse to their parents is denial, says Dr Nahid Dave, a psychiatrist at Thought Matters. "Many parents are reluctant to acknowledge that the incident has occurred because the perpetrator is usually someone known or trusted by the family. They may also view the abuse as personal failure," she explains. This results in parents either blaming the child (directly or indirectly) for the abuse or living in denial where they accuse the child of making things up based on accounts they may have heard or watched. This pushes teens away and makes them feel misunderstood. Further, children often do not have the vocabulary to express what they were subjected to, or are confused because the memories have been repressed. Also, perpetrators try to cover their tracks by either bribing or threatening the child or making them responsible for the abuse. The child, therefore, feels fearful or indebted to the abuser, she adds.
Dr Dave suggests that parents look out for these red flags in their child:

. Refuse to be in the presence of someone or at certain social gatherings.

. Extremely withdrawn or aggressive behaviour.

. Decline in academic performance.

. Sleep disturbances.

. Random aches and pains.

. Older children may indirectly ask questions about genitals or other body parts.

Handle with care

Here's how parents can approach such cases after their child has opened up about the episode/s.
.Empathise and be non-judgmental: "Thank your child for trusting you with this information. Express empathy by asking how (s)he is feeling and communicate your understanding of your child's emotions. Tell your child that whatever happened was not their fault and that you harbour no judgement towards him/her. This holds true even if your child tells you that (s)he visited the perpetrator's place out of his/her own will, or by lying to you, or has hidden this from you, for a long time," says psychologist Sonal Sonawani. Dr Dave adds, "Understand that many children repress memories of sexual abuse and these can surface much later. This does not mean that your child is lying."

. Eliminate barriers during communication: "When your child opens up, listen calmly. Avoid asking too many questions or pester them for details. This can further disturb their mental state. Instead, express your availability and encourage them to open up whenever ready," says Rai.

.Create an action plan: Inform your child that (s)he must trust you to handle the situation, says Sonawani. "Communicate the incident with your spouse and discuss the way forward – legal recourse, direct confrontation, or both. It is important that the perpetrator is held accountable for his/her actions. In addition to preventing recurrence, this communicates to your child that you trust him/her and that (s)he can feel safe and empowered instead of being the victim. Refusing to act can lead your child to grow up believing that perpetrators can get away. This can lead to immense insecurity and identity issues," she adds.

.Coping is key: Psychotherapy and counselling can help the child heal from the trauma. "Such experts will help prevent future emotional disturbances from the incident/s. At home, therapy will help you and your child to recognise and avoid triggers. For example, if a place or object or the perpetrator's name triggers your child, avoid these until your child has learnt to deal with the incident," reasons Sonawani.

.Don't punish your child: Many parents become hyper-vigilant and overprotective with their children to the point that (s)he feels suffocated, says Dr Dave. "Your child will perceive this as being punished for the abuse. Instead, focus on how the incident has affected you. Recognise that your response stems from your own guilt and perception of a personal failure. Draw the line between what is helpful and what is even more toxic for the child. The one incident cannot define the child's life," she says.

Tips for teens

Psychologist Namrata Jain says that many teens struggle with understanding how they can talk about abuse with their parents. "If you are uneasy about recounting the experience repeatedly, talk to both parents at the same time. Speak in person, write a letter to them, or talk over the phone. If you find it difficult to start the conversation, try something like, 'I have wanted to tell you something for a long time, but it has been difficult/I would like you to listen to me without reacting or asking many questions'," she suggests.

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